Saturday, July 11, 2009

Bees Have Got Nuthin' on Me


I have been a mite busy, folks.

Last weekend we headed up to Craig for some fam time with my family plus Charlie Brown's family, and I was gloriously offline save for the few mobile updates I did on facebook.

Tuesday we headed back, as Charlie Brown had a softball double header that night. About 30 minutes before the end of the windy canyon road we travel to get home, Punkinhead announced his tummy didn't feel so good so I told him to let us know if he was going to get sick and that he had a bag (from his happy meal in Steamboat) to throw up in. Well about 25 minutes later, we heard a sound, looked back and LMNOB was sitting in her own puke with nary a word about feeling ill. Charlie Brown pulled over, rushed to her side of the truck and told her to get out but she was unable to get past doing anything but puking. Punkinhead looked over and then he got sick, in the bag. However, because it took so long to clean LMNOB up, his bag ripped out and the contents got all over him anyway. Now we had two kids being cleaned up on the side of the road, and then Lil Guy proceeds to Scream like Never Before, when Punkinhead asserts that he "forgot to put underwear on today," as we are changing him into fresh pants. :giggle: Got on the road and we had 1 CURVE LEFT before being on the straightaway!

We got home, with enough time to feed Lil Guy, change into softball garb and load up in the CAR, and go to softball, where we also purchased dinner. Came home, put kids to bed and cleaned the truck upholstery and unpacked.

Wednesday - VBS in the morning, a couple of hours at a spray park, and then church at night.

Thursday - VBS in the morning, lunch, and then we were off to see the Wizard, er, Great Mombi, in the local community college's Journey Back to Oz play. I cooked dinner that night, but the rice didn't cook (my burner's low was apparently too low for this rice to simmer on as it was still crunchy) and we ended up needing to augment our meal - but being as no one had been home all week that meant no groceries and thus we ended up out to eat.

Friday - last day of VBS and mad cleaning at our house since we hadn't done any all week.

In the meantime, I read a book and wish to blog my thoughts about it soon....

Also - today is our anniversary. 11 years of me and Charlie Brown :)




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Friday, June 26, 2009

Transitions, Tantrums and Temptations


Well friends, I am officially HEALTHY. Had my last follow-up appointment with the Infectious Disease doc yesterday (sounds so insidious, as if I could be living my own personal Outbreak, right?) and all is well in my body. Which I pretty much had figured, seeing as the pulmonologist was pleased with my progress the week before, AND (perhaps most significant to me) I was able to do a Billy Blanks DVD on Sunday. All the way through. And I'm alive to tell about it.

Switching gears.....

So, this SAHM thing is not so new anymore, as we've hit the 6 month mark this month; however, until 2 months ago, LMNOB and Punkinhead were still in school and Lil Guy was yet to be born. Now we don't have school and Lil Guy is here with his need to feed and interact and all that other time consuming stuff that newborns require. And truth is, I'm finding it all a bit overwhelming. Not PPD overwhelming, but more like it's-4 o'clock-in-the-afternoon-and-I'm-as-yet-unshowered-in-a-uniform-of-yoga-pants-and-a-nursing-cami-accessorized-with-spit-up-and-crumbs-from-today's-lunch-dinner-needs-cooked-the-house-is-a-pit-and-your-father-is-going-to-be-home-soon-kids-overwhelming, can you hear me gasping for air?

I'd like to think that this is normal, that due to my sickness we lost a month of the transitioning period and really we are dealing with the first month stuff. I'd like to think that a few more weeks and we'll get this gig down pat. But nagging somewhere in the back of my mind is a voice that plants the seeds of doubt: What if this is it? What if you changed your life so dramatically, gave up your self for this chaos?

Immediately upon feeling these things, is the guilt. The reminder that I chose this, planned for this, and that I knew going into it that there would be sacrifices and days like these. And, of course, I'm wondering this and writing this on the heels of a few bad days where the kids' listening abilities have been highly selective and bordering on downright oppositional.

Yesterday, after multiple tantrums from my spawn children and yelling for the umpteenth time which yielded still unsatisfactory results, I had a little mama meltdown fantasy, totally in my mind, whilst externally putting on a sympathetic and compassionate face as I had a heart to heart with LMNOB, the lead instigator in the week's events.

But what do you do when your child tells you she wishes things are the way they used to be before the newest sibling came along; including your physical appearance? Yes, apparently I am raising a shallow little mean girl as she so kindly pointed out that it "looked like I had two stomachs," and she wished that I looked like I did before Lil Guy. Yes, I watched yesterday's Oprah where we are told as parents not to defend, fix or deflect our children's feelings but to just hear them. I get the whole validation thing, but what are we to do when our children want change? And change that we are unwilling/unable to accommodate?

In dealing with all of this I've come to face my old temptations. Those of eating....remember my post about eating a whole pan of brownies? Wasn't just a one-time occurrence, and sadly I don't think I can justify a daily caloric intake rivaling that of Michael Phelps' due to me being a breastfeeding mother. Hyperbole, there in that comparison? Perhaps a smidge, but the fact remains that I need to get a grip on my eating of late. Moreover, I need to be more conscious about the reasons why I am eating, because I don't think it is all hunger.

The other temptation? To zone. To waste time and not be present with my kids or in tending to my household. To surf the web and to just escape.

My solution to these temptations is to return to structured days with the kids. Structured, scheduled bed and wake times, structured activities each day, and goals to achieve for myself, the kids, and the house chores. Should be interesting given that we have a newborn who can often throw a wrench into things, particularly sleep, but if the kids get more structure again some of the behavioral stuff will wane (hopefully) which will (again, hopefully) decrease some of the overwhelm I am feeling.

Wish me luck~




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Monday, June 15, 2009

Not Me! Monday - 6.15.09


Recently my friend Angela began blogging, and as often happens when one begins to read someone new, introductions to other, new-to-you bloggers are made. Angela reads MckMama, who has this fabulous blog carnival/meme called:



MckMama explains:
Embarrassed that your child urinated in their pants at your mother in law's house?Ashamed about the cupcakes you ate for dinner? Would you like to hide the fact that you put your child to bed in their dirty clothes from the day instead of in clean pajamas? We'll don't be! Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!

So without further ado, here's my attempt at my first Not Me! Monday

I definitely did not, in effort to boost my protein intake as recommended by a home health nurse, take out my [realtively] new Food Network blender (read: not cheap), throw some protein powder, milk, peanut butter and a banana in and proceed to blend without first remembering that the seal was not in place, but had been thrown in the blender by Someone (Not Me!) last time it was washed. I definitely did not put 2 and 2 together when the smoothie oozed all over out the bottom, and, because this didn't happen to me, I did not later fish out the shredded bands that were once the seal to my beloved blender with a saddened heart. That would be completely boneheaded!

I surely didn't place a towel on the sheet and sleep on it the other night when Lil Guy decided to wet my bed, and also proceeded to spit up like Mt. Vesuvius, during a midnight diaper change. Further, I didn't continue to sleep like this for a few more days before changing the sheets - that would be disgusting!

Finally, I definitely have NOT been eating family size servings of the desserts that have come with the meals people have been bringing over. For example, an entire pan of brownies (that the family never even got to taste) disappeared over the course of 2 days, and I definitely did NOT eat them ALL.

Or maybe I did and that is why the pregnancy weight is no longer falling off me ;)



© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Post I Keep Starting But Never Finishing


I keep trying to sit here and type out a post that says life is slowly transitioning from the Surreal Near Death Experience to the Blessed Hum-Drum of Normal, or at least Normal as we at Casa del Meyer knew it to be.

Which, really if you think about it, we were in the process of defining a NEW Normal prior to the Surreal Near Death Experience seeing as we'd recently added a family member and that always shakes things up a bit, so really, apparently I'm liking the really lingo tonight, do we even know what Normal, even the Casa del Meyer variety, is anymore?

I think I've just confused myself, and therein lies the problem of why this post has been started and stopped umpteen different times over the past 2 weeks: I'm at a loss of what to say because my mind spins a million different directions anytime I start to think about it.

So....as unoriginal as it is, I give you Bullet Points!

  • Health front - I'm feeling more like my Normal self, physically and mentally. And as of Thursday I became PICC free! No more frustrating attempts to cover my arm in saran wrap and medical tape so as to keep my arm dry in the shower - how liberating this is, friends! My CRP's were back down in normal range (interesting trivia - normal range for CRP's is less than 10 and I was at a whopping 319 at the hospital - yes, I was one sick chica) as were my white blood cell counts, and now I just have one follow-up appt with the pulmonologist next week and another with the infectious disease docs in 2 weeks. Then, I shall hopefully be done and just watch the bills pile up this will all be a distant memory...albeit one that I will constantly be reminded of every time I put on deodorant and/or pay my bills.
  • Parenting - LMNOB has been great and resilient about this whole episode, but Punkinhead has really struggled with it. Not only was Mom super-duper sick and couldn't care for the fam like he was used to, he now had to be around LMNOB 24/7 vs. having a nice 8 hour break from her called School, AND, he had a new sibling who happened to bump Punkinhead into the infamous Middle Child placement. Oh yes, Punkinhead has had a bit of a rough go at it of late. Add to it that Colorado's weather has suddenly decided to end its summer drought pattern and return to the Junes of yore, which were exceptionally wet and rainy, and well, we've all been a little stir-crazy. One day a week or so ago, he was tired and frustrated with it all and he exclaimed accusingly, "But everything is always ALL ABOUT YOU, Mama!" his eyes screaming at me, "This is NOT Normal! I want Normal back." And oh, how my little heart ached to try and explain it all away for him. But how do you explain to a 5, almost 6, y/o that sometimes you just gotta go with the flow of life, that sometimes the pecking order gets skewed and yes, everything can change to be all about someone else whether we like it or not? My standard "Suck it up, Buttercup," isn't sufficient for this one. Thankfully, he's getting back to his Normal self too, proportionate to our lives resuming normalcy.
  • Marriage - Charlie Brown is great, has been great through this whole process, but we grew a bit distant having Crisis looming over our heads for a prolonged time. We didn't have the debriefing convos that LMNOB and I had had until one Sunday night at Life Group we were talking about the ordeal with our peers from church and I got to hear his take on it. Which was essentially that he was scared witless initially but that faith and the support of our church got him through each day. That same weekend, we'd been out for a walk and at the end of the subdivision is a house on a giant lot. They were playing their stereo loudly as it was nice weather and they were outdoors. As I listened to the words, I recognized the song as Martina McBride's Blessed, and the tears flowed from both of our eyes as we looked at each other knowingly. To top it off, the next song was LoneStar's Front Porch Looking In - which has a great sentiment too, but directly applies to us what with "carrot tops who can barely walk" and little blonde girls. Shortly after arriving home there was this hunger, this raw need for physical intimacy between us. Kind of like how, in the wake of the death of a loved one, people instinctively turn to their mates to make love as an affirmation of the fact that they are still alive, the desire to be united as one and the closest two can be consumed us. Afterward, I asked Charlie Brown if the scars, as well as my post-partum physique diminished his attraction for me. He held me, told me I was beautiful and that the scars only reminded him of just how precious my time with him was, and we both cried. Healing, therapeutic tears slipped out of our eyes, not in torrents of inconsolable sobs, but in a cleansing wash that rinsed our once-worried hearts with peace and gratitude. Now that we have that behind us, we're now just trying to adjust to the daily grind of him going to work and me staying with the kids, and keeping up that precarious balance between sleep and intimacy that is necessary when you have a newborn. No small potatoes, but in comparison to the last month, it is pretty Normal.
There's so much more to say as always, but time escapes me. I'll keep plugging away though :)




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Sunday, May 31, 2009

One Month, Five Weeks, It All Blurs Together


Lil Guy last Monday, at exactly one month.


Lil Guy this weekend with his new playgym purchased with gift cards and a 15% off coupon at Babies R Us.

He is such a good baby, and a breath of heaven to my soul. Some days I feel saddened that I missed out on 2 weeks of his first month, but I hold tight to God's word:

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten..."




This verse has held so much promise to me in other areas of life; in particular, it was a "life preserver" verse for me when our marriage was on the rocks and there had been more unhappy times than happy ones. God spoke to me through these simple words and helped me to cling to the hope that there was a happy future ahead for Charlie Brown and me.


And, wouldn't you know, God came through for us with that happy future. He has blessed us immeasurably over the past 18 months, but particularly since we took our vacation last July. Our love is deeper, stronger, and more alive than ever. And after our recent struggles, we can truly say "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health," and know that we will get by and that He will repay us for those trials.


After my recent health ordeals, my relationship with my mother has become closer than ever and all of the crap we've been through is now water under the bridge. I truly feel as if God has repaid us for all the years the "locusts" of petty fighting have eaten.


With Lil Guy, I know that this verse will also hold true, even if I still mourn the loss of those 2 weeks.


And....how's this for meaning....


Lil Guy's middle name is Joel, mostly because of the meaning - God has heard - as we prayed and talked to God a lot about creating this precious little boy. But the fact that this verse that has helped me to stay the course, that has given me hope and let me trust in God's promise, is in the book of Joel suddenly makes his name all the more meaningful. I can remember what Scripture says usually, but remembering book, chapter and verse is another thing....I knew this verse was Old Testament, but never realized the significant tie between Lil Guy's namesake and this verse before tonight.


More often than not the "locusts" are sin, that of our own, those we love, or usually a little on both sides in a relationship. Sin separates people from each other, causing them to be fearful, distrusting, insecure and broken. And sin definitely separated us from God. Sometimes the locusts are trials and not sin at all; however, had sin not entered the world and caused it to become a fallen place, such trials wouldn't exist.

But God is the Great Reconciler. His desire is to always bring people back to each other in relationship, and moreover, back to Him and the cross. Jesus bridges the gap between us and God that sin created. And that's pretty awesome in my book. What a mighty and loving God we serve!




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Friday, May 29, 2009

The Who, What, How and Why of My Mystery Illness


So Lil Guy was born on 4/25, and the delivery was beautiful.


Fast, no tearing, no pain (thanks be to epidurals) and a euphoric high welcoming this little boy that we'd hoped and planned for so very much.

Nine days later, I woke up after having brought him to bed to nurse, and in so doing I had fallen asleep in a weird position. I had a pain in my shoulder akin to "pinching a nerve," (Yes, chiropractors everywhere cringe when we say that because we usually have not truly pinched a nerve, rather have a subluxation that needs adjusted, but go with me here) and I attributed it to bad sleeping posture and the hormone known as relaxin, as I'd just given birth.


Later that night, we went to a music program the kids had at school and the pain got worse. Like OWIE-YOWIE!!! level.


At home, I called a friend from church who is a massage therapist and asked her to come work on me. Also, I'd spiked a fever of 101. I figured it was an inflammation response to the muscle/nerve issue I had going on.


For the following 6 days I had the pain/fever on and off. If I dosed up on ibuprofen the pain was held at bay and the fever was gone. So guess what I did?


Until Monday, May 11th. I woke in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. I hopped in the shower and took a shower so hot that when I went to turn the heat up more, I found I was already at the max. I called my chiropractor and set up an appointment to get in that morning. I also called upon my church to see if someone could take me to the appointment as I was hurting so badly I didn't feel as if I could take Lil Guy in and out of the carseat.


Went to the chiro - pain, pain, pain. He was concerned about the fever and thought perhaps my gallbladder was going septic. But when he pushed on it there was no tenderness. He set up a few appointments for me as he didn't think it would be resolved all that quickly.


Went home, still lots of pain. Called DSW (my BFF who also happens to be an RN) and asked her if she minded sitting with the baby and I because I was in so much pain. She came right over. I napped and got shallower and shallower with my breathing because now the shoulder pain had radiated out and was generalized chest pain. My temp went up, and so did DSW's anxiety. She really wanted me to see an MD, not a chiro. She told me she worried that I had a blood clot in my lung, fluid build up, or something else. These all sounded way too dramatic for me and I tried to dismiss her.


Also, of note: Charlie Brown's health insurance was to renew on May 1 at a horrible new premium rate ($900/month - like a second mortgage!) with higher deductibles ($3,000/person), and lowered coinsurance (60%/40%). We had opted out, with coverage ending on 4/30; however, we'd worked with a broker to get an individual health plan for the family and it would be effective 5/15.


DSW's hubby bought dinner and brought it to our house. When Charlie Brown got home, DSW insisted that I go to urgent care. We talked about it and decided that urgent care w/o insurance was only like $25 more than urgent care w/insurance so Charlie Brown and DSW's hubs stayed with the kids while DSW and I rode over to urgent care.


I had gone downhill pretty quickly in the meantime. Feverish, in acute pain, and just out of it. She wheelchaired me into urgent care and I somehow signed my name on the paperwork. Next thing I know DSW and the nurse checking me out are concerned, talking furiously over me, and then I'm told that I am going to be transported to the hospital via ambulance because I was not stable enough to go with someone else.


DSW called Charlie Brown and let him know what was up. DSW and her hubs took our oldest kids to their house and had them spend the night. Charlie Brown and Lil Guy came and met me in the ER.


The ER doc checking me out told me I had "junk in my lungs" and said he suspected I had pneumonia. At this point I argued with him saying that I'd had pneumonia 5 years ago and I wasn't coughing crap up nor had I been SO lethargic like the time before so it couldn't possibly be the same. I mean, just the day before my bro and I had gone to see Garrison Keillor in Boulder, and before that church and all the activities that kept us busy were all being done.


The chest x-ray proved me wrong. It showed some pneumonia in my right lung, but even more so, tons of fluid on the outside of my right lung.

That's when the questions about the birth began:

"Did you have a C-section?" No.

"Did you vomit while laboring?" No....not this time - with LMNOB, yes.

Hmmmm.......



Enter a new doc, the pulmonologist, who comes in and says we need to do a CT scan to determine if the fluid is just fluid or if it has started to solidify into "pockets," because fluid could be dealt with via chest tube whereas the pockets might need surgery.

Also, IV team, because I am an incredibly hard stick. Even with an ultrasound guiding them it was difficult to get the IV[s] into me as needed. Lemme tell you how fun it is to have folks digging in your veins repeatedly...oh wait, it's not fun. AT ALL.


It was here that we were told I had to pump and dump for 24 hours because the pharmacy consult said the jury was still out on the safety of nursing with contrast dye in the system. So Charlie Brown at one point left to go get my pump and formula for the baby.


Went and did the CT scan and it showed mostly fluid with a pocket or two, but the pulmonologist thought a chest tube would be sufficient. So they began to insert one in me. They shoot you up with lidocaine, like at the dentist, but I could still feel WAY MORE than I was able to tolerate, and I just cried, "Owie, owie, owie," into the pillow until they were done. It was horrible and torturous. Immediately upon insertion of the tube, however, they drained a soda-pop worth of fluid off of my lungs, and it continued to drain still more over the next two days. As the fluid drained some of the pain decreased with the release of pressure.


The next morning (day 2), I had to go do a chest x-ray for the pulmonologist team to determine whether the chest tube was draining everything properly. This chest x-ray revealed that things were starting to gel up in the fluid, at this point called pleural effusions, and so the doctor ordered tPA to be injected into the chest tube. tPA works on human tissue in a manner comparable to how Liquid Plumr works on hair/grease clogs by eating away at the chunks. This caused a lot of pain as it only increased the pressure inside my chest cavity instead of decreasing it. After an hour, I could take no more and they began draining again - this time I could see chunks of stuff coming down the tube with the fluid. Yum.


My MIL and FIL came up to help with the kids and my mom was notified. As we approached the 24 hour pump and dump marker I was ready to nurse Lil Guy, who'd spent the night at home with Charlie Brown trying formula and failing, miserably. We put out an e-mail to our church and a shift rotation was created where people would stay in my room with me and the baby to help me nurse him and/or soothe him when he was awake and I needed to rest. This was vital as I couldn't just up and get out of bed since I was hooked up to IV's, the chest tube, and oxygen. This also allowed Charlie Brown the ability to go home and get some rest at night. MIL and FIL helped get the kids to school each morning and then came to the hospital to help with the baby and reprieve the church friends from their shifts.


Day 3 - Another chest x-ray first thing in the morning. Later, the pulmonologist came up to explain that the chest x-ray showed my condition was worsening. Despite the tPA the day before, the effusions were beginning to solidify into pus and tissue, a condition known as empyema. The only solution was to do surgery. The surgeon would come and talk to me at some point that day. In the mean-time I asked if nursing could still be feasible - the baby had done miserably on formula; he'd not eaten it well, it gave him terribly painful gas, and he had a raging diaper rash from it. Initially they said no.

My mom came up at hearing the news that I needed surgery.


Later a CNA came in to give me a sponge bath and asked how I was doing when I completely fell apart. I didn't want to have to give up nursing my baby, I didn't want to hurt him again, and wasn't the stress of this environment enough? She got me calmed down and said that moms who have c-sections, also surgery she pointed out, nurse all the time and that she thought a lactation consult would help ease my mind. In the meantime I pumped to ensure enough milk would be available while I was under and in surgery.


The surgeon didn't come until 8:00pm (making it an extremely long day). When he came he told me that the empyema was about the consistency of jello and they were going to make two small incisions and arthroscopically suck it all out. Surgery would be tomorrow at 7:00a.m. and recovery time would be 6-7 days.


Day 4 - Surgery. I remember the prep for the surgery, the anesthesia and everything until they put a mask on my face. I was scared. I've always had a phobia about being cut open. After that I am unclear. I do not recall coming to. I do know that when I was coherent they told me that the 1 hour surgery had turned into a 3 hour surgery because the "jello" had actually gotten even thicker, more like tissue and couldn't be sucked out. Rather they had to open my chest cavity, spread my ribs and carve out all that gunk.


After surgery I had to cough a lot. The coughing was like white hot pain as it expelled blood clots and mucous deep within my lungs. The nurses told me to hit the pain med pump a few times to get ahead of the pain when I felt a clot cough coming on. This still didn't do much for pain management.


A new chest tube had been inserted with 2 tubes inside my chest during the surgery to drain out fluid that was residual from the surgery. It was pink and bloody-ish.


Day 5 - this was the scary middle of the night fever spike that I mentioned in my last post.

The days began to blur into one another at this point. I know that on Day 7, we got to go outside for lunch at the hospital. On Day 8 (Monday the 18th) I got my chest tubes out - the first one came out easily enough but the second one hurt. So many cringeworthy, painful and scary moments.


They began talking about getting the PICC line in so I could go home and get IV antibiotics through it at home. But, as I told you before, that didn't go so well - another traumatic episode - and I think because of all that digging, my temps/white blood cell count went up and they kept me a day longer than planned. Second attempt was made and was successful, not to mention prompt.


The cultures that they ran on the fluid, tissues, etc. showed that the bug that had caused all this damage was an anaerobic bacteria that typically resides in the human mouth. This is why they were asking if I'd vomited during the delivery, as perhaps I'd aspirated something and that's how the mouth bug got into my lungs.


And finally, as I thought about it, I remembered the Wednesday night before I delivered Lil Guy, we'd eaten at Chili's and I'd had contractions as well as had thrown up my dinner. Perhaps? I don't remember choking on my vomit there, but who knows? The timing plays out per the surgeon. Sort of....he said typically the bug incubates for a week before symptoms - this would have been almost 2 wks before that initial shoulder pain. But it could have been that I was developing the pneumonia prior to the shoulder pain, as that was indicative of the fluid creating pressure.


All I know is that my lung could have collapsed had I not made it in when I did - DSW saved my life.


And scary as it was, God blessed us with the love and support of our church family, neighbors and immediate family. 11 nights of people working 4 four-hour shifts through the night to make sure I could keep breastfeeding him and get the rest that I desperately needed. Countless cards, prayers, and now financial assistance. Not only did we wrack up medical debt up to our eyeballs, but Seth wasn't working much of the time that I was in the hospital - and that was unpaid leave - thus our regular bills are behind as well. I've been negotiating with our creditors (gone are the days of avoiding collection calls - going to face this situation head-on) and we've already received a sizeable donation from an anonymous donor at our church. Not to mention that they are coming to the house and doing chores, cooking, and caring for me and the baby as I am on weight lifting restrictions and still need plenty of sleep to fully recuperate.


So that's the 411 on the physical info. The next few posts are likely to center on the faith and emotional aspects of this journey.






© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Step-Child. All Rights Reserved

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's Really Starting to Sink In


The impact of just what has happened is finally being processed by my brain, and it is almost a post-traumatic stress response.

I remember the night after the surgery, when my temperature soared and the nurses couldn't get me to cool down. They packed me on ice on the hospital bed and watched vigilantly, willing my fever to break. Meanwhile I thought I was going to die and I just cried, delirious with fever and the fear that I was going to leave my beloved husband and children without anyone to love and care for them. I prayed and told God that while I didn't fear death and would love to be with Him, I wasn't able to cause my family such heartbreak and needed to stay around for them.

And then my poor babies....I can't imagine what the last 3 weeks have been for them.


I remember them coming to see me when I was post-surgery and LMNOB took one look at me and began sobbing. The central line out of my neck freaked her out, along with the oxygen tubes, chest tubes, etc.

I just try and put myself in 8 and 6 year old shoes and the mind boggles at the fear factor they had to be wrestling with.


We've had some debriefing conversations, particularly between me and LMNOB, and things are getting less scary for her, but she's still worried about me as she told my mom the other night. Rightly so, as the pulmonologist appointment revealed I still have a long ways to go before I am "recovered."

The older kids and I haven't really had a lot of time together of late because everyone is trying to be so helpful and "keep them out of my hair" so I can rest, but really I feel like my babies and I are growing apart as a result.

I just want to be healthy and be able to be the mother and wife my family needs me to be. I am forever grateful for my church family as they are helping us to attain this wish with their help around the house, cooking of meals, and general visitations.




© 2009 Ramblings of a Red-Headed Step-Child. All Rights Reserved
 

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